The other half
This phrase annoys me in a way that most people would probably look past and not take seriously. But it bugs me. Are we that dependant on someone else now that we refer to them as our ‘other half’; as if without them you are any less of a whole? I hate to be the pessimist (I don’t, I love it), and although the words are assumingly not meaning of anything other than the use of a polite phrase, you won’t catch me saying it. Call them partners, wives, husbands, lovers- whatever- I don’t care. Perhaps even call them by their name (old fashioned but efficient). But if someone calls their love interest a ‘half’, I will probably stop liking them. And not to mention, it is very annoying- PARTICULARLY if you are single and cynical. Yeah, yeah, you have a husband, we get it. (Bridget Jones, I feel you).
I enjoy the enthusiasm in this numerical phrase; enough to seem encouraging yet only over-stepping by 10 so as to constrain the level of keen to what is socially acceptable. Oh yeah, except it’s NOT POSSIBLE. Therefore my enjoyment instantaneously disappears.
I can’t even
With no following words. Typical usage: fangirl. You can’t even what? String a functional sentence together?
To be honest
Clarifying your honesty infers you are not usually honest. Having to state you are not lying is suggestive of a normality of lying. WE KNOW YOU ARE CLAIMING TO BE HONEST. Whether you are or not, well that’s for me to decide.
I’m poor (in the context of an excuse as to not go out, used by one with a roof over their head and a daily supply of food).
You are not poor. You may be low on money used for leisure, due to that make up set you spent £50 on two days ago, but you ARE NOT poor. Some people on this planet are, and I think to use this phrase is not only offensive but ignorant and rude.
I don’t judge
You do. Come on. We all do. Attempting to take moral high ground does not eliminate that you do judge, and in fact; by saying you don’t judge, you have judged your own tendencies- and wrongly.
You only live once
Yelling this at 3 o’clock in the morning does not make knocking back another shot of vodka any less of a bad idea.
Everything happens for a reason
Does it? Seems like a quotation overused to minimise our existential fears to me.
I wasn’t worried that I refused to go through with that favour you asked of me, nor that you did something for me and I said thank you. There was no worry there at all. I am more worried about what I am having for dinner than I am you.
At the end of the day
Not only is this annoying because it is used in summation of situations occurring within other parts of the day prior to the end, but the idiomatic language is utilised to display a justification of a decision or statement. Ultimately it is hedging; words that convey no meaning and hold the only purpose of softening the blow. If you have an opinion, say it. There is no need to be feeble or degrading of it. Plus there is the large issue of what defines the ‘end of the day’. Scientifically and measurably, the end is midnight when a new begins. But to others, the end of the day may be recognised as when the sky darkens and night kicks in. To avoid this confusion, we must avoid saying this phrase at all times.
Agree to disagree
No. You disagree. The other person is WRONG. You do not agree with them, ever.
‘Someone talk’ or ‘Someone meet me’
A common occurrence on Snapchat and Facebook. I have yet a day to live when I do not waste 7 seconds of my life clicking on someone’s story to find a badly lit picture of half of their face with ‘Someone talk’ written straight through the middle. Chances are, if nobody is talking to you, nobody wants to talk to you. I certainly do not.
Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware you were saying. I temporarily forgot that the noise that comes out of your mouth means you are speaking. Thanks for the reminder.
Can I borrow…
No, you can’t. As the great David Mitchell once said; “There are no people who have pens of mine. A key point of part two is to get a pen back as soon as possible. When people say ‘oh can I borrow your pen?’ what I want to say is ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT. GET YOUR OWN PEN, THIS IS MINE’. However, as part of a scheme I’m working on to try and seem- normal would be an exaggeration- but at least acceptable in broader society, I try and not to say that. I try and seem casual about ‘Oh yeah borrow my pen, that’s fine’. And then I’m thinking about it constantly until it is returned.”